Tag

rape

Your pain is valid and it is real

I was raped by my ex-boyfriend in Secondary 4 and had to proceed with a secret abortion at 3 months (with zero knowledge from parents) because I got pregnant soon after. I did badly for my national exams and subsequently had to battle with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), depression, anxiety and an eating disorder for the past 2 years. It was probably the hardest struggle I ever had to endure and I was confused. I was scared. I couldn’t accept what happened to me and why I kept breaking down almost every day, tired from pretending in front of my loved ones that I am okay. The nightmares kept me up at night, endless thoughts of self-doubt, self-blame and shame were wrapped around me tightly.

The suicidal urges were so bad, I had numerous attempts and unhealthy coping mechanisms (drinking, hooking up) were used to suppress the pain. I honestly felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was probably the only one back then who must have been feeling like this, and I felt that I should be ashamed for feeling this way. Fast forward 2 years later, the pain is slowly becoming lesser. Therapy (and opening up 2 years later) is helping me learn how to cope with the pain and not to carry it around with you like a mountain on your back, but instead to slowly become like a small pebble that I carry around with me.

There are still days where you feel like the world is against you, where you feel like you lost it all, there’s no hope for anything anymore and everything feels extremely fucked up. But I urge you to stick around for the days that you see yourself trying to heal as best as you can, for the okay days, for the good days, for the days where you didn’t give up on yourself and are able to carry the pain more easily. We need you around in this world, to continue the good fight. I promise you, to anyone who has been a victim of rape, sexual assault, and/or who are currently struggling with your various mental health issues – you are never alone, and you ARE a survivor and a warrior. You are brave and you are strong for coming this far and for still sticking around. Your pain is valid and it is real and no one should ever tell you otherwise. Please don’t suffer in silence. Reach out to a trusted person for help. I hope that you are or will get the help that you truly deserve.

Nobody knows I am a shipwreck

When I was 17, I was raped and I never told a single soul about it. I thought by ignoring it, I would somehow move on and get over it. I am 25 and married now, yet I still feel so lost and ashamed of myself every single day. I now realize how damaging the encounter had been to my mental health and relationships.

Nobody knows I am a shipwreck at the bottom of the sea, yet bit by bit, I see pieces of my past keep emerging and floating up. I can’t stand myself. My cheerful self is gone. My sense of purpose and identity is gone and it scares me. I am currently trying to be brave and want to seek professional help. My husband has been my pillar of strength and I cannot continue hurting him.

It has been 8 painful years of silence, anxiety and depression. I hope my loved ones can forgive me for my constant absence from their lives. I hope I will live and break my silence one day to help those who have gone through what I went through.

Please I hope you make a prayer for my journey to recovery.