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denial - Singapore Mental Health Film Festival

New lease of life

As I lay in bed today, I can’t thank God enough for giving me the strength and the will to pull through what I thought I couldn’t. First and foremost, this is not a pity post. I could use some pity, but I don’t want it. This is me trying to reach out for those in plight. To help those who are alone when the world goes to sleep.

Having gone through a bout of depression, it has certainly brought me to the edge. Literally. I can remember vividly being on the 16th floor, looking down and thinking to myself how fast my problems would end.

I remember the texts I sent to my mum. I remember my aunt calling me trying to console me out of it as I sat on the stairwell crying and confused. At that point of time, I talked to God. He made it clear that taking my own life would only open the doors to more plight. And so I sought help. It was the best decision I have made in my entire life.

Here I stand today, with a new lease of life. I lost beloved friends and family members along the way but hey, that’s another story for another day. How I approached to saving me from myself might not have been the best way, but you can do it better. Talk to someone; A friend. A relative. A stranger. You never know if he/she could be the person to save you from you. Seek help. We may not know one another, but I treasure you.

I feel so helpless

My girlfriend is having a relapse. She has paranoid schizophrenia. Being gay, our asian parents do not recognize the fact that we are together. It’s really tough especially when they think that I am the cause of her stress.

She is constantly looking for me and I am constantly being refrained from seeing her. Now I feel like I am the one breaking down.

Her family is in denial of her illness and doesn’t understand that she needs someone to listen to her.
I know she needs me but our communication keeps getting cut off. I feel so helpless.

I thicken my skin to be able to see her, despite hurtful remarks from her mother. She is my world.
We have been through this once before and we came out stronger but this time round, I’m not so sure.

My parents are still in denial

Since I was young, I’ve always been an escapist. I would always close my eyes and sleep so that I would lucid dream. In those dreams I would abuse and torture myself (sort of like in The Saw movie). I became extremely depressed in Secondary 3 when I started failing all my subjects . This was unusual to me as in Secondary 2, I was first in class and always top for science. I couldn’t accept it. I thought I had become stupid and used alcohol to suppress my emotions.

Then my great grandma passed on a day before my birthday and my depression got worse. I started taking painkillers when I felt sad and even became addicted to smoking. In an effort to improve my grades, I went online to buy “smart drugs” which I later got caught using.

In Secondary 4, when I lost complete hope and even my faith in God, I tried to end my life. I went to school, gave my best friends hugs and kisses and when to swallow 20 pills in the toilet, which proved to be unsuccessful because my teachers found me and brought me to the hospital.

Even though I’m still trying to recover, I hope that people will be more accepting to people with mental illnesses. My parents are still in denial and have yet to get me checked by a psychiatrist. Perhaps if I got myself checked, I would be able to recover faster through therapy.

I would like to tell all those who are suffering in silence: You are not alone, so you don’t have to hide. Talk to someone so that you will feel better.